Almost every human being alive, wears a mask of some sort in our daily lives. Whether we don't wish to admit to something, whether we want to ignore a problem facing us, whether we do not seek to reveal more about ourselves than we wish...

For the better part of eighteen years, I wore a mask, before leaving a church I had been raised and betrayed in. The experience left me profoundly broken, and seeking something more out of it all. Three years later, I still am.

I find myself seriously drawn to things I were taught to be anathema, and to be a source of great evil. Now this is not merely a way of saying Paganism, far from it. Everyone but Baptists were more or less evil in the worldview in which I was raised. To be frank, and I think I've mentioned it before, I watched Jesus Camp and had the shakes, because it was reminiscent of my childhood at points.

No, rather it encompasses everything. Pagan paths, Catholicism, Hindu beliefs, Taoist thought, even downright Atheism. All I know is that I'm sick of wearing the mask of a perfect little Christian; I hunger for more from this life than the empty and wrathful preachings I've heard, more than the heretical prosperity gospel being thrown from the pulpits, and so much more than the pathetic state of Dominionist thought...

Christianity...hm...I was raised that way. Really though, it's not an easy path being raised in it even. You've got to overcome issues that can drive you out, and you've got to let go of the thought that you can control your life, and etc.

For me, being raised to be Christian, my greatest enemy has been fellow 'Christians". Even today it is. Intimidation, peer pressure, being told you're un-Christian if you believe in X as an ethical value, or Y on a political issue. I have news for those who say that...there is only one requirement in Christianity. Only one to be Saved. Just believe, just confess that Jesus rose from the dead for the sins of yourself and all others.

Christianity is not about politics, it is not about homosexuality, it is not about abortion, it is not about no longer following certain Old Testament laws given to the Jewish people, it is not about what kind of television and music and other media we are associated with. It is not about sub-cultures, nor is it about a series of rituals, nor hymns or modern worship songs. Christianity, is about the belief in Jesus, the Christ, and a personal relationship with him.

Now, I've heard many a rant from one preacher or another about how every generation is the "Key Generation". As I watched Jesus Camp and was reminded of my childhood, the little kid, Levi I think, said "I'm really feeling those words, key generation". That, is a sign in itself. If Christianity is such a powerful force, why is there the threat of it crumbling with every generation, if each generation does not act as a "Key Generation"?

So I wonder if Christianity is the religious equivalent of Humpty Dumpty; would it fall apart and never be put together again? Or is it already that way? One book I was reading mentioned there were more than 30,000 sects of Protestant Christianity formed since the Reformation, many extinct now. Was that when Humpty Christianity fell off the wall, and never got put together again?

Often enough on a previous blog, I found myself saying that while I have my problems with the God of Christianity, I more often have problems with his followers. Case in point, the cult that calls itself Westboro Baptist Church. God hates everyone in their view.

Now this isn't to say the WBC is alone in the reason I feel Christ's followers have proven to be more a problem to me, than Christ has. I was raised in a Baptist church for eighteen years, these people were as close to me as family, if not closer in some cases, and I was effectively knifed in the back, thrown into the torment of church politics, and more or less exiled. Situations like that, thrust from the Dominionist view for sins such as liberalism, and expressing interest in other religions...I've never quite recovered. In the three years hence, I've been love-bombed twice by them, trying to get me back "into the fold" as it were.

I have yet to remove myself from the membership rolls, as I hesitate to severe the final tie to my childhood companions, to those, whom a majority of, will no longer speak to me, or gaze upon me. Why do I insist on this misplaced loyalty? Because I am precisely that, a loyal individual, who does not shirk my loyalties quickly. I love that church, I love the people who stabbed me in the back, I love those whom gossiped about me--saying I worshiped angels and demons. I love the history of that place, where my family stretched back four generations.

I want to hate them, I want to despise them, but I cannot bring myself to. When I gaze upon them, I feel pity, and I feel sorrow. I remember all the good times we had when smaller, I remember the fun, I remember the sorrowful times as well; skipping class for the first time to go to a friend's father's funeral (an act, that while bad in the eyes of the educational system, earned the utmost respect of my grandmother). I remember helping with Vacation Bible School, I remember going to church camp and retreats. I remember that feeling of "being on fire".

I remember the first time that changed. "Religions to Beware Of" class...I played Devil's Advocate throughout. My reputation was forever stained by that, but I found I could not allow people to be bashed without the chance to defend themselves. Years went by, and I remember George Bush getting greater applause than Christ when we watched Passion of the Christ, followed by a political video. I remember being pressured to vote for him...and the ostracization that occurred when I said I most likely wouldn't.

Why do I still long to go back to that church? The same reason people never leave an abusive relationship I suppose, afraid not to, feeling as though one needs it, etc. In my walk with Christ...there were many wonderful moments that I will never forget, almost all of them at Camp, not the church. I prayed with a man who would later be martyred in his homeland, for the salvation of our fathers. I felt the moving of the Holy Spirit in the same place, watching as enemy cabins who intentionally sought to harm each other during sports earlier, joined their weeping voices in singing songs of praise to Him. I dared God to give me a sign, to allow the lights to fail so that I might see the stars in all their glory for the first time in my life -- He didn't that year, but two years later at the same Camp, that did happen, exactly two years to the day. It was also at the camp that I encountered the practice of Lectio Divina, that would keep me loyal to Him over the years. And it was also at that Camp, that I first felt her touch.

Sincerely,

A Baptist Campus Ministries Ex-President

Repeat after me: Belladonna is poisonous. I will not use belladonna as an incense, even if it's supposedly only deadly when ingested in solid form. Belladonna should not be played with when you have no clue as to the herb's properties.

Secondly...repeat this also. Mistletoe is poisonous. I will not make a tea of it because I had some left over from a party I had. Mistletoe is poisonous, I will not play with an herb I don't have the most basic knowledge of.